Self-preservation: Why I'm not Marriage Material

This post first appeared on jazifresh.com

I’m posting this because I’ve been asked about my twitter name change. I’m not silly enough to think anyone reading this gives a damn about my views on relationships or marriage. Which is fair and fine…I’m not an expert. But anyways…I’ve spent the better part of my 29 years trying to be and embody everything society says that I, a black, Christian-raised woman in America, should be. I should be educated, virtuous, modest, and caring—absolutely exceptional in every way. Alternately, women in my life have always counseled me to be myself and to seek out my own purpose. While encouraging, even this well-meaning advice has been laced with a tone of “do you…but not at the cost of getting married and raising a family”. Never any harm intended. For ages, these have been the terms and conditions for happiness as a woman in this world. Cemented by religion, patriarchy, and the capitalistic advantages afforded to men, it’s not a shock that it still colors the way young women are mentored. Do what you need to do to get the guy. For many, becoming a wife and a mother is the culmination of years spent evolving into a GoodWoman™, this being the natural succession of time spent becoming everything society, namely men, deems worthy of the title. Many women feel this tug between who they are personally—a free-willed individual—and who the world tells them that they need to be in order to one day earn the affection of a GoodMan™. Many of us spend our best years denying our true self and diminishing who we really are in order to ensure we that we someday will be deemed certified MarriageMaterial™.MarriageMaterial™ noun – 1. a person whose personal characteristics or manner of being makes them a desirable life partner. 2. Woman worthy of carrying a man’s last name. 3. Woman worthy of being wifed.The definition is broad and vague as are the criteria that shape how someone might acquire the title. It’s a way of delineating the “good women” from the bad. It’s exhausting. And I’m not MarriageMaterial™.To be clear, I never have been. I’ve played the Doting Potential Wife and Loving Future Mother in many relationships. Nothing turned out. I spent so much time trying to prove myself worthy of the task. It didn’t serve ME. Moments of self-reflection and discerning who I wanted to be apart from wife/mother were shallow at best, rare at worst. It would be simplistic to look back on that time with nothing but regret because I’m truly grateful for my experiences and how they have shaped my current outlook on relationships and marriage. Each relationship has been a lesson that has ushered me slowly back to myself, to who I was before I cared about rings, weddings, or children.Those aren't boxes I have to check.I reject the notion that I (or anyone) must work to be anyone other than who I actually am. I reject that I should acquire or feign to possess a set of traits or qualities that would make me worthy of love, respect, or admiration from anyone. I’m not the sum total of an arbitrarily formed list of ingredients that would equate to me being an ideal partner or parent. I’m not striving to be anyone’s DreamGirl™.I am not MarriageMaterial™. I’m just Jasamine and that's super okay.To know me well is to know the things I value and the foundational principals that shape my service to others. And that I’m a nerdy goofball. That I speak up when it’s time to. That I try to find the good in everyone (but don’t try me). And that I love people. But I’m not any of those things for sake of increasing the likelihood that anyone might want to make me their spouse. If who I am jives with someone, that’s beautiful but I’m no longer aiming to impress or secure affection. I’m not here for anyone’s pleasure (save my own). I’m not here for anyone’s use. I wasn’t made for anyone. I accept whatever role I’m suited to play in serving people in the communities I call home and I am actively seeking ways in which I can do more. But, no, I am not here for any one person’s personal happiness. I reject that as a foundation for me to form my womanhood upon. Work to be good enough for someone else. Work so that someday someone will want to have you. No, work to be good enough for yourself. Discover your own capabilities and potential to use how you deem fit. Personally, I have come to know that I was not made to be the living manifestation one person’s unattainable, unrealistic fantasy of the person they might take pleasure in possessing. I’m hard-pressed to believe that that is my assignment here or anything I should reasonably aim for. I have high standards for what I contribute to the humans I share this planet with. I strive to live my life and interact with the rest of the world in a manner that does not oppress or cause oppression for others. I feel like if I am dedicated to these things, there isn’t a separate list of traits I need in order to be worthy of respect and love of one person. It makes no sense to morph myself according to the current but ephemeral needs of another human being. Because the traits that makes one certified MarriageMaterial™ today will change tomorrow. Who am I going to be then? I’ve decided to just be myself.To be clear, this isn’t a critique of marriage (though I have a separate beef with the current treatment of marriage; will discuss at some other time). Marriage can be a great thing and I can think of many instances where marriage makes sense. My beef is with perceptions. For whatever reason, there is the belief that you are in some way flawed for not striving for a mate or growing a family. I think it’s possible to desire those things without your whole life and worth being tied to achieving them. I have friends whose relationships/marriages are exactly what I’d hope to share with someone if I ever marry. The manner in which they parent is admirable and selfless. I just know I’m not going to die or be worthless if I don’t check that box. I’ll live.So why my "hard" stance? (It's not. I'm not the first to feel this way. There's nothing revolutionary or radical about wanting to be your damn self.) Obviously, if I don't have marriage and children as a goal then I must just want to be a "hoe", yes? Yes, I want freedom and the right to police my own body without ridicule. To say I absolutely never want to be married or have kids misses the point, too. I take this stance as a proclamation of what I believe and, as a bonus, to barricade myself from exactly the type of people I don't want to deal with. Preferences and attraction aside, if you think people need to be anything other than themselves to be worthy of you, please stay away from me. If I "need to change", we're incompatible. Simple. Compromise in relationship is essential but if something about who I am is undesirable of someone you want to be with, I'm happy for you to discover that. Be with someone else. At this point, I would much rather be alone than spending time trying to make myself more appealing to anyone just so I can be married. Marriage can be beautiful but I’m hard-pressed to accept that my sole aspiration should be to attain and not distract from getting a ring. No.