True Life: I'm Selfish
This is a big birthday year for me. The road to 30 has had some challenges but I struck gold in the last year or so in terms of personal development and awareness (yay, me!). Equally enlightening and frightening, my growth has ushered a load of fresh revelations about myself and the world. What's been a great adventure for me has been terrible for some people in my life. Terrible because the most compelling development of the last year is my newfound commitment to self-preservation.Better stated, I'm selfish.And how did this come to be? How does someone who once prided themselves on being totally selfless and serving come to adopt a way of thinking that allows them to frequently center their needs and *gasp* wants? From doing too much. I just broke. And then went numb. I broke myself bending and twisting into every shape I could to secure the happiness of others. While they watched mostly with pride and adoration at my effort.Don't picture me a joyless martyr though; I did some things I enjoyed (as much as I could, really) but over time these would become a nuisance to the more-important needs of people I love. And I participated. With great enthusiasm. Never saying 'no'. Never questioning if I really meant 'yes'. Never giving myself the opportunity to check in with myself after committing to so much. To change my mind. The reality was that total peace with those who I'd given my time and energy to might mean I would infrequently experience real or complete joy for myself. At least not apart from the joy I could siphon, residual bits from the happiness and security I helped to ensure for everyone else. And that, darlings, is some sad shit.I don't know if I can rightly call these new revelations so much as they are old truths that I have neatly dismissed for a measurable amount of time. I learned the world wouldn't stop spinning if I ended my obsessed concern with not pissing anyone off. I could leave my house without my phone (and have a fucking ball). I could not answer it if deeply engrossed in something I was enjoying and not feel guilty. Most importantly, I learned defining boundaries in personal relationships doesn't destroy them (not all of them, at least). Trading the sometimes thankless servitude (as therapist, cheerleader, consultant of all the things) for self-preservation would earn me a new adjective, selfish, but that I would be lighter and more free for the work that matters to me. That I could be real happy.What's true of Selfish Jazi:
I'm not a phone person. Texting is great. Lengthy phone calls (not with my sister, besties, or folks I want to catch up with) are not.
I'm not a life coach. If you constantly hit me up with personal issues and want me to draft solutions and coach you through them, I will slowly become unavailable. I have a hard enough time motivating myself.
I've never been an extrovert (how did I ever believe this?). While very comfortable in social settings, they don't charge my battery. I charge away. By myself. Via music. Or a book. Or one-on-one with someone I don't have to 'work with'.
I'm low maintenance and I appreciate my low maintenance friends. The ones that don't make a big fuss or take personal offense at us not talking for a while. That love me still when I go dark for a bit. Drama-free pals
Anxiety is a b%@#h. Without any assistance. I reserve the right to guard myself against anything and anyone that triggers it.
My time isn't more important than anyone else's but it is my time. How and who I spend it with is at my discretion.
Some expectations are bogus, especially the unspoken-but-expected-to-be-strictly-followed kind. I'm not talking about expectations I consent to. If I agree to pick someone up at a set time, it's reasonable to expect me to be there. Someone assuming I'm going to pick them up even though we've never discussed it and then holding a grudge or pouting that I wasn't there seems like...a strange practice to keep. But it's a thing that happens. If you have a whole user manual for how to deal with you, at least let people have a peek at what's in there so they can sign up or tell you to kick rocks. It's fair.
I don't have to let everyone in. It'd be unreasonable to believe that we can resonate with everyone person we meet. Some relationships are seasonal or very casual (still deserving of respect and courtesy, of course) and they don't require me to pour all of my whole soul and being into them. Understanding relationships means knowing that you can't be everyone's #1 and everyone can't be yours. That's life.
None of these are groundbreaking. Harmless, really. So understand my shock at backlash for simply setting boundaries and being clear about how much I can handle. Truthfully, the nature of most of my relationships hasn't changed at all. But for a select few, my personal boundaries have restricted access to me in a way that inspired some accusations. The most stinging of these being that I am selfish and that I use people. What the actual fuck? I sat with that for a while and concluded that I'm just gonna lose a couple of folks and make less friends in the future. A few key relationships changed in ways that made them unsalvageable and I feel a way about that. BUT not so much that the truth about how I value my time, space, or energy would change. I like the me that seriously considers how much I can handle and my own mental health more. I like the me says 'uncle' when things are getting out of hand. It has not changed the way I love and care for people. It just allows for me not to be last all the time. Balance.Really, there are only a few people whose feathers I ruffle. One might have a problem with Selfish Jazi if any of the following is true:
The way you treat me is dependent on how quickly or thoroughly I attend to your emotional needs. If the standing of our relationship rests solely on me playing your mammy or life coach for advice you won't take anyways on demand, then it's probably not going well. I show up for my friends. And they show up for me, too. But our entire relationship isn't "Oh my gosh, this happened! Help me or you're a bad friend" on loop for all eternity.
You want me to agree with everything you say. Well, sometimes we're not gonna agree. That's okay. If this results in a tantrum there will be fewer opportunities to throw one.
You get offended if I don't invite you to go somewhere with me. I love going to the movies or a restaurant on a whim and oftentimes that means I go alone. It's nothing personal against anyone; it's just something I like for me. Having a hissy fit...doesn't help your chances for a future invite either.
You need to FaceTime or pictures constantly. So...nah. Sometimes I can't even answer for people I want to call me. There's nothing wrong with a mutual arrangement to chat. It's kinda polite or whatever. It's a lot better than me not being able to answer or ignoring you. And on asking for pictures...it's a thing I hope dies very soon.
You are extremely entitled. You've never been told 'no' or don't like to hear it. Bonus points if you think I'm not being serious when I say 'no'. Get out.
You think me having a phone out, on, or around me means I should be talking to you. I could be. And maybe sometimes I will. But sometimes I can't. Or don't want to. It's just not a requirement.
You are a trash person and are not actively learning/unlearning the ways that you participate in oppressing others. We all have and do. I prefer not to deal with you if entertain thoughts, speech, or actions that are racist, anti-black, misogynistic, misogynoiristic, transphobic, homophobic, xenophobic, classist, ableist, respectability-adjacent, victim-blaming, dismissive, or otherwise toxic. Bonus points if you think any of the forms of oppression listed above are made up for people to have a reason to be oppressed. Some people are actively learning and growing in how they treat others (I AM, TOO). Some are not. That's fine and if I don't have to be exposed to that, I try not to be.
You actually hate to see me too happy. A brow probably raised but this is a thing: you are jealous, upset, or otherwise irritated when your so-called friend is happy. Some people want to see you do well but not better than them. It's a poison I try to stay away from.
You're a pompous jerk. You engage the world with the assumption that you are more learned or evolved than everyone else. Behaving this way would prove that you're not but get your ego boost where you can, I guess...
You think Bill Cosby and OJ Simpson are innocent (among other gross, ignorant, and ahistorical opinions). I don't have the time.
I accept that I'll be called selfish whenever I'm not performing the way someone wants me to. How dare I, even? It's not even a diss at this point. People that want to have or own or hold you even if it's smothering you will probably do just that. They drain you and never intend to fill you. They want you to achieve your dreams...after you help support or secure theirs. They can't spell 'boundary'. They believe they are entitled to unlimited access to people because 'nice' (on the exterior at least; some of the nicest people are snakes). And their nice is performative, a lure. The motive is to possess you. Not for you. But for them. Demanding total submission of your needs and desires and offering nothing in return. Deny this person the object of their desire, your pure and undivided attention, and you are the real monster.Yes, I'm selfish. I am obsessively protective of my energy. I am selective about who I let in and who I share my joy and pain with. Outside of situations I can't control, I try not to be around terrible people. It's tiresome. Life is demanding enough on its own. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. We all have that right. But I've also never loved more. I've never been more expressive or in tune with the people I love. I feel like for the first time in a while (before I began masking aspects of my personally and suppressing my opinions), I am speaking, acting, and existing in a way that matches my actual beliefs and not the ones that were fed to me. I considered distancing myself from "selfish" and seeking some form of redemption from my accusers. Certainly I, who consistently gave so much, was not worthy of the label. Then it occurred to me that labeling me this way was also a means of manipulating me into offering myself up for use again. Well, I haven't taken the bait and I love my selfish self. Just thought I'd share why.