Thoughtfulness and Expectations
This post first appeared on jazifresh.com
I’m sitting with the idea that maybe the problem in some relationships isn’t lack of thoughtfulness or consideration. It may not be that people aren’t thoughtful but that they aren’t thoughtful in ways that are affirming or valuable to you. I’m working through whether or not this is true and if I can be make room for that as a possibility when I’m feeling especially tender about the way I’m “being treated”.
Maybe some people haven’t failed you.
At least failing you wasn’t their intent. What if they gave all they had to give in that moment and the real problem was that it was out of alignment with what you needed or expected? And aren’t all of our disappointments the product of unmet expectations?
For our part, do we know what we expect of others? Do we know what support and affirmation look like for us? Do we clearly communicate that expectation? Furthermore, does the person on the receiving end consent to support and provide on that expectation? This isn’t to absolve anyone from the baseline of simply doing no harm but if our expectations exceed this, shouldn’t the other person know?
Sometimes expectations get baked inside of a generic title and they’re never explicitly discussed or communicated. There’s a lot of“You’re my boyfriend so I expect you to ____!” but does the boyfriend know that that’s what you think boyfriends should do? Are you asking friends or acquaintances to operate in a way that you never spoke out loud?
When operating with this understanding it may be easier to see when people really falter and when people’s actual capabilities and what’s expected of them just don’t match. This is where we can own our piece of the problem. Will being clear on your expectations ensure you’re never hurt?Absolutely not. You can be explicit in your needs and people will still lack either the skill (“I don’t know how or have the capacity to give you what you want/need”) or the will (I have no desire to act in a manner that you want/need).An unfortunate few lack both and these are definitely NOT your people. Knowing which of these you may be dealing with can be key in moving forward and forgiving if you choose to do so.
I haven’t always done the best job of clearly communicating expectations or desires. It’s largely because a big part of me doesn’t feel entitled to anything from anyone. The love and adoration I receive from my family and close friends is given freely and I’ve never had to demand it from them. Also, a small part has sometimes felt undeserving of the thoughtfulness and consideration that I find affirming, especially in non-platonic relationships, because I’ve been conditioned to think it’s too much even though it’s always been the bare minimum honestly (I mean, of COURSE I deserve to beloved on and adored). What time and some of my disappointments have gifted me is knowledge that sometimes it’s not all the other person. Barring intentional harm, sometimes I haven’t been clear about what I need and sometimes I’ve asked for what I need from the wrong person. They either because of skill or will couldn’t deliver. No one is required to accept any level of treatment from any person but I think sometimes people miss the mark and that it’s not necessarily the end of the world.
What can we all be better about? Don’t bake your expectations inside of a cookie-cutter title and never define what it means to you. Say what you want. Tell people what you actually need. Let them tell you it’s ridiculous. Allow them to say “that’s not a problem at all”. Waiting for that understanding to happen via osmosis is most likely the surest way to ensure it’s never achieved.
Lastly, make a little room for grace. The person that said “I’ll always be there for you, no matter what” has rough days, weeks, and years, too. Or they’re in a meeting. Or don’t have the energy to FaceTime right now. Make space for others to be as human as you are. It may not be good enough but sometimes the people that fail you have tried their very best and understanding that may be more productive than never forgiving them for falling short.