On Giving Up Control
This post first appeared on jazifresh.com
I’m a person who has control issues. I’m stating this specifically in present tense because, although I’ve made improvements in this area of my life, I can still use some work. I think we’re raised to believe that if we *are* a certain way and take time to plan ahead and read the fucking future then nothing bad will ever happen to us. We’ll never be down on our luck. Our hearts will never be broken because we will always associate with the right people. We will never suffer under the weight of unmet expectations. Everything is under our control. We just have to work it out.
Well, hey. That’s all a lie. Yes, it’s bullshit :)
The real truth is? Most of what’s going on around us, is out of our control. Since...birth. Your outcomes are being shaped on your first day and there’s nothing you can do about that. Who you are when you’re born. Your parents. Your family. Your class and demographic. Things are pretty shaky out of the gate. (Unless they’re not; congrats to some of you). And well, that’s really not that fair or cool. Then you get to adulthood and discover it’s still kinda like that. The political scene is what it is. Did anyone ask what you thought about all of this? No. Outside of your vote I guess but there’s the pesky nuance of needing a ton of folks to agree on the limited positions you’ve been provided but even if that happens, things still may not go your way. It’s...a lot!
But what about those things we can control? Ah, yes! Those. They’re great! Aaaaand they are also sometimes greatly impacted by all of things that are out of reach. Yes, you pick what shirt you can put on in the morning. But even what shirt is available to you and the option are impacted by everything that happened and could happen when you walk outside. Are you gonna see...people? They might have an opinion on the size or type of your shirt. This wouldn’t be a big deal except that the person could be your boss or co-worker or an elder or a man or a bigot and their minor and ultimately worthless opinion on how you chose to present yourself all may impact the way your are engaged, your safety, and your overall well-being. Sparing a full detailed analysis, sometimes the things we can control are really out of our control.
Well, where does that leave us?
...where does that leave me??? Miss ControlBot who very very much needs for everything to be okay and right and for the good people to always win and I’ll do anything within my power to make it so. These days? I am chilling. No, I’m not okay with so much being out of my control and sometimes I feel powerless and hopeless in ways that may not be rational to some. BUT! I’m reframing my relationship to these things. It’s not a cure. It’s a coping mechanism. I’ve not given up on better tomorrows but I am learning to cope with present conditions while seeking the company of and learning from others grounded in the reality of our human condition and working towards better days. Sometimes that is just me finding something to laugh at! I love distractions. Sometimes it’s taking my daughter outside or on a mini-adventure. Doesn’t fix a thing but for a few moments, I am happy and at peace.
My solution has been finding ways to cope with the things I can’t control. Allowing myself to feel whatever emotions I feel about it, sometimes finding an outlet for it but sometimes just reflecting and sitting with it. I’ve also relinquished that all of my coping tools have to be healthy. I get the ice cream. I spend a little shopping online. *big shoulder shrug*. I say none of this to encourage anyone to do the same but just to say that at best, all any of us is doing is coping. Yes, some are thriving and maybe they don’t deserve it but we can’t control that can we? Yes, control what you can control! But also maybe you’re like me and just need to give up trying to control every outcome completely. I will always hope for the best (where rational to do so) but I’ll find a way to deal with what is whenever it comes.